– You know everything hasjust become fucking absolutes.
In The States it's fuckin' nuts.
Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right? You knew when he was like protesting during the National Anthem, no one was gonna listen to what the fuck he had to say.
No matter how much he explained it.
He goes “I'm takin' a kneeduring the National Anthem “this is a protest about police brutality, “the way people of color are treated, we like to open a dialogue.
” He got about halfway throughthat, people are like “My brother's fightin' in Iraq, you fuckin' piece of shit!” (crowd laughs) It's just like, Buddy, Buddy, nobody is saying your brotherisn't in Iraq fighting, you're not listening.
This is about police brutality.
“My brother's a firefighter! “He watched 9/11 on television!” (yells) (crowd laughs) Nobody's saying that yourbrother's not a firefighter.
“I got a bone spur in my heel, I can still stand upduring the fuckin' song!” Buddy, nobody is saying youcan't see a fuckin' pediatrist.
All right? You're not listening.
That's what it became.
You ever try to get abs? You ever try to get all the abs, get that shit down here.
You ever try to do it? It's fuckin' impossible! Past the age of 19 you can'tdo it without tons of help.
You gotta buy all these exercise tapes, you gotta read about nutrition, you gotta get a personal trainer havin' you fuckin' runnin' along.
You need like your own chef, and he's like “Okay don't eat it yet.
“Don't eat it yet.
“All right now, eat it.
“Start consuming it.
“All right stop, slow down.
“Stop, stop, spit it out! “Spit it out! “I told you to stop! “Get on the Elliptical.
“You like that Brussel sprout? “Did you like that Brussel sprout, “'cause now you're payin' for it.
” It's a fuckin' miserable experience.
Just walkin' around, yourwhole body's eatin' yourself.
Y'know, you want some cake? “No, no I'll just take a salad.
“Balsamic vinegarette onthe side, no croutons.
“Oh my god.
“When is the photo shoot? “I wanna kill myself.
” It's horrible.
You ever try to get fat? No, you don't have to.
You can fuckin' lay on your back, watchin' your favorite show, just shoveling shit down your throat.
“What're you doing?” I'm getting fat.
I'm gettin' fat.
“You gotta trainer?” Don't need one.
I just eat everything thatmakes my sugar salt go like, “Yeah! “Woo! Yeah!” Comes right in, nice roll of fuckin' flab.
I wasn't, I didn't come from a family, I don't know about you guys, I didn't come from a touchy-feely, “Call me when you getthere.
” (mimics kissing) None of that shit.
(crowd laughs) First time my mom hugged me, I think like once when I was little, and then when I moved out.
That was it.
(crowd laughs) Now, we only hugged 'causewe knew we were supposed to.
So we just tried to like, it was like two parkingmeters came to life.
We almost bumped heads.
It was horrific.
Y'know to this day sometimesI drive down the street and I think about that hug, and it's just so, makes me, it's so awful I have to likeshout the memory out of my head I'll just be driving downthe street, just be like (screams and groans) Anybody else like that? You ever have to shoutstuff out of your head? Like there something about me, like, all my regret comes upwhen I'm in the shower.
I don't know what it is.
I think cause I'm in theshower I have time to think, and I'll just think ofshit I did in third grade.
Where I just made an ass of myself, and I just will be in theshower just bein' like (yells)(audience laughs) And my wife's always just like, “Is everything okay in there?” I'll just be like, “Yeah, I just accidentallyturned on the hot water.
Turned it on too much.
” “Every day?” (crowd laughs) So.
I actually asked my motherone time, when I finally got out in the world and I sawhow other families interacted and I finally asked herone day, I was like, How come we never did the hugging thing? You know what I mean? Howcome we didn't do that stuff? She's like, “Well I wanted to hug you kids “when you were little, butI was afraid it was gonna make you gay.
” (crowd laughs) And I was like, “You wereafraid? You were afraid?” And she goes, “Well it was your father.
“That's what it was.
“Protecting him like I always do.
“He was afraid.
“He said, you don'tknow how to raise boys.
“And if you hug them, that'swhat's gonna happen so- “In a marriage, you-there's compromises so-” Yeah.
So she basically never huggedus, because my dad said if she did it was gonna make us gay.
And I gotta tell youthat was a great thing that my dad did for me.
Let me finish before youstart blogging, okay? And I end up on a split screenon Good Morning Atlanta.
“Comedy, can it go too far? “Laugh Night at The Tabernacle.
” Sit there next to somefuckin' Cheeto-eatin' blogger.
(applause) So, yeah, this is the deal, I'm gonna defend my dad here because this is basically whathappens, when you have a kid as far as I know.
I don't have any kids, but as far as I would think, if you have a fuckin'kid, what do you wanna do? You wanna improve on your childhood.
Okay? You wanna keep the shit thatyour parents did that worked and then you wanna get rid ofthe stuff that didn't work.
So that was my dad, asfucked up as that was, that was his improvement on his childhood.
That he never talksabout, the way a veteran doesn't talk about going to war.
Y'know? So I figure, if that was his improvement on his childhood, his childhood just- uh- must've been somethin' like “Don't change his shitty diaper, “let him figure it out for himself.
“Get out in the rain, you shitty baby! “Hey, let me handle this, Lady.
Why are you still standinghere you shit toddler?” (crowd laughs) So, he took it from that, and knocked it down to don't hug him, it's gonna make him gay, all right? And then maybe some day if I have a kid I'll whittle it down to, he's not takin' drama class, all right? He's not takin' drama classcause I said so, Lady! Let me handle this! I won't fix everything.
Ummm- Yeah, and that's not ahomophobic thing either.
That I wouldn't send myhypothetical son to drama class.
Okay? It isn't.
I would send, I'd letmy hypothetical daughter take a drama class, okay? My son can't fuckin' do any of that shit, unless I'm sending him to oneof those Fame high schools.
Y'know, where everybody's doin' it? One of those creative schools.
Go to the cafeteria everybody's like, ♪ Cottage cheese, what is it made of ♪ Right? Then he can do all he wants.
Then he can do all the fuck he wants.